Sent from The Precious
I never did get around to an update on the whole Brazilian situation, but after having two done by a professional I started doing my own at home and haven't looked back. My reasoning went something along the lines of "$50 a pop ($40 plus tip, and maybe 25% is high for the tip but if someone has touched my taint I kind of feel like I owe them) vs. $5 for a home-kit = no-brainer." Granted, there IS more pain involved with a home-jobby, not because of the quality of the wax or anything so much as the fact that it's hard not to wuss out and go too slowly, but it's not awful. I got a mark like this one, except down there, from my second pro-job; the waxer said they just happen sometimes, especially with bleeders, regardless of technique, and that was most of my rationale when it came to paying a pro (trying to avoid THAT). I also find that I can actually do a better job getting the stray hairs that are closer to the center of the universe on my own, probably because it's my own junk and I have no problem handling it in ways that might seem inappropriate in a spa setting.
For those of you playing along at home, would I recommend trying to do your own Brazilian? Yes and no. Yes in that the end-result is just as good if not better than going with a pro, no in that you have to have a pretty high pain tolerance and possibly hyperflexible joints to git 'er done, both of which I possess, so YMMV. If you do decide to give it a whirl, here are some tips:
1. Use this stuff! It's great, it smells nice, and if you keep an eye out for sales and buy in 3-packs you can usually get it for less than $5 per jar:
2. WEAR GLOVES. The wax will absolutely stick to and get under your fingernails if you don't.
3. Put down newspaper to protect your floor, because you WILL drip wax.
4. Don't forget to use the oil that comes with the kit before you wax. Trust me on this.
5. Use something on your skin afterward to prevent infection (pros also apply hydrocortisone, but I skip that step because yeast loves steroids and...yeah). I use this, because it's what the waxer I went to swears by:
Disclaimer: Those up there are affiliate links. Which means that if you buy the products shown through my links, I get a penny or something. I LIKE PENNIES!
Yesterday sucked a lot in ways that were all new to me, which is kind of saying something as I am something of a connoisseur of shitty life-circumstance at this point! I don't want to be overly specific, but my day involved, in various effed-up ways, the US Military, a minor on-the-job accident (I am totally fine, but there are procedures that must be followed with these things...), a good-faith attempt at mandatory post-accident drug-testing on my part that revealed a monumental paperwork SNAFU between The Ritz and the local Urgent Care clinic, a brush with upper-level management at The Ritz ON A WEEKEND to straighten things out and ensure that we were all in compliance with company policy, and Hotter going missing.
The end-result is that I can't go back to work until my pee is processed, which is why I was so eager to get that done in a timely manner (I even offered to pay for the test myself out of pocket if someone would reimburse me, which was why Management got involved in the first place), and that takes two to three days, so I have some unexpected and unpaid time off during which I get to stew over how I sometimes seem to be the only person working at The Ritz who actually remembers all of the policies and procedures (the security supervisor who processed the Incident Report wasn't aware I had to be drug-tested, didn't have the proper forms to give me for that, and wasn't aware of the "no working until drug test comes back" rule...and then they asked me out, which OMG I AM TECHNICALLY YOUR SUBORDINATE AND MARRIED TO BOOT). I am going to have one HUMDINGER of a debriefing with HR tomorrow! As for Hotter going missing, he was well aware that I had had a very stressful day but chose to disafuckingppear without any keys, jackets, or dogs so that I got home and spent twenty minutes searching the house and yard for a body, because I have NEVER come home and not been able to find him. He just doesn't go anywhere. EXCEPT FOR YESTERDAY. And when he finally did turn up, I discovered that Pfeffer had had babies AND EATEN THEIR BRAINS LIKE A FUCKING ZOMBIE GAHHHH!
At that point, I will not lie, I decided that tennish weeks of not drinking was long enough to satisfy me that there was no chemical dependency issue at play and I did purchase and consume some Real Absinthe, with wormwood and everything, and take a hot bath (with Hotter supervising to ensure that I didn't pull a Whitney Houston). I am mildly disappointed to report that I did not hallucinate or anything, although as I pointed out to Hotter, given the kind of day I had had if the walls started to bleed I would have doubted that I was actually hallucinating and just put on a pair of gloves and gone looking for bodies (AGAIN. OMG HOTTER).
And then I slept for fourteen hours.
How are all of YOU?
P.S. Big Child says "How do you make a plumber cry? KILL HIS FAMILY!"
P.P.S. One piece of good news: backyard chickens are now legal again where I live! I am allowed to have up to six birds, which means that the chickens are coming home from Squatter Workshop and I am getting two more.
Posted on March 16, 2014 at 11:35 AM in actual conversations, anger shoes, bad fun, Big Child, chickens are not nice, department of revenue, doctor, doctor, it hurts when I go like this..., Hotter, mama, terrible, horrible, no-good very bad days, wascally wabbits, well bless their hearts | Permalink | Comments (1)
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* Management has capped overtime at about twenty hours per week LESS than I've been aiming for of late, and I Am Not A Fan. Largely because this means I'll have to get another job in addition to The Ritz and juggle two schedules, and I don't WANT another job. I like all five of my existing jobs within the one resort property, and the simplicity of the single paycheck, HR department, timeclock, etc. In the short-term, however, this may mean more blogging, so there's that.
* Today I only worked the one shift, so since the MFA Children had expressed an interest in trying duck (it came up in the context of it being one of the courses in a five-course Special Dinner Thing I worked at The Ritz, which I was describing to Hotter and the boys), I broke down a whole duck into skin, legs, wings, and boneless breasts and thighs, sliced the breast and thigh meat thinly, pounded it, and then put it to marinate in ginger, garlic, wheat-free soy sauce, and honey with a dash of vinegar. I then rendered the skin over low heat, pouring off clarified fat until I had a goodly amount. Two dogs and a cat then got the cooled skin bits to eat and licked their chops for the rest of the damn night. Meanwhile, I salted and scored the legs and wings, poured fat over them, and made confit for the grown-ups. For the kids I cut the tenderized and marinated boneless meat into bite-sized bits, dredged them in cornstarch, salt and pepper, and fried them in the rest of the fat until crispy. Then I popped the crispy duck-bites into the oven to make sure they were cooked through, and made a sauce with ginger, garlic, soy sauce, honey, and the juice and chopped peel of an organic navel orange. I made "deconstructed springrolls" (spring-roll veggies over rice) to go with the duck and sauce, and served it up, and EVERYBODY LIKED DINNER. *preens*
* Suddenly it is ridiculously gorgeous outside! To celebrate, Poppy gathered an assortment of ticks around her...bathing-suit areas. If dogs wore bathing suits. Which ours do not. I don't know who I felt sorrier for during the removal process, Poppy herself, Hotter, who was tasked with holding her, or me (ticks are TINY, Poppy is covered in tick-MARKS, which it would be inadvisable to remove with tweezers, and my eyes are apparently not what they used to be) (which means my face was way closer to dog...underbelly...than I'd ever like for it to be again).
* Valet continues to be a lot of fun. I got to drive one of these that was either brand-new or in mint condition. Black with a tan leather interior. It smelled like happiness inside! Sadly there was a space very near the entrance to The Ritz's garage and so I had no legitimate reason to take her out of first gear :(
* I have a burgeoning chest cold, and I would rather not.
* I am beginning to think Bravo Hive may still be alive after all! That would be fabulous news, for obvious reasons. Hopefully it stays nice and I don't get any sicker so I can check on the hive tomorrow after work (after that it's doubles for the rest of the week), although the last time I did that before working in the restaurant, as I will be on Thursday, I got to wait tables with a grotesquely-swollen face as a result. Hmm...
* The TL;DR version: I heartily recommend Porsche Boxsters and well-cooked duck, ticks, money and chest colds suck, and bees are confusing, which is exacerbated by their hatred of close study.
How are all of YOU?
I finally had an entire day off! Hotter and I slept in, and then ran around all over town buying things. I bought myself a new pair of Danskos for work (it took me less than seven months to destroy my first pair utterly; considering that I worked an average of sixty hours per week during those eight months I figure it's not really Dansko's fault), and a nice pair of slip-resistant black New Balance crosstrainers for when I work Valet, and thirty-four dollars worth of tea (DAMN YOU, TEAVANA, WHAT THE HELL?). We had lunch at P.F. Chang's, where we had a comically awful waiter (and I'm not just saying that because working in hospitality has ruined me for eating out--he SUCKED! By the time we'd been there ten minutes he'd barely greeted us, we didn't have drinks yet, and I'd already answered a menu question from a neighboring table that stumped the poor bastard). We went to Trader Joe's and stocked up on the things that we get from Trader Joe's, and went to the pet store to buy Poppy a new food bowl (she finally, after months of effort, broke her ceramic one so we got her a stainless steel replacement). We stopped at Target where I bought a new, darker shade of hair color, then we came home and I chopped three inches off my hair and dyed it.
It was a good day, and makes for a boring blog post, and for that I am sorry. To make up for that, I give you the following vignette, which amused me greatly:
MFA Mama, after walking up to a vehicle in the front drive of The Ritz: Welcome to The Ritz! Would you like to valet-park your vehicle today?
Nonplussed Rich White Dude: Ummm...I'm not sure. What are my parking options?
MFA Mama: You can valet-park, for $XX per day, self-park in our garage for $X/hr, park in the garage across the street for $XX, or street-park, although you'd need to read the signs carefully to avoid a ticket.
Mrs. Nonplussed Rich White Dude: Get ON with it, dear!
Nonplussed Rich White Dude: So uh...YOU would be parking my vehicle?
MFA Mama: Yes sir.
Nonplussed Rich White Dude: Can you drive a stick?
MFA Mama: Yes sir, although your vehicle is automatic.
Mrs. Nonplussed Rich White Dude: *titters*
Nonplussed Rich White Dude: I uh, I suppose we'll valet-park.
Mrs. Nonplussed Rich White Dude: Well Henry,* I guess a woman CAN drive your new Range Rover, HAHAHAHAHA!
I have a feeling Mrs. Nonplussed Rich White Dude rubbed his face in THAT one for the duration of their stay. Good for her!
* Not his real name, obviously.
* Cars, y'all. Cars are so cool these days! In the past week I've driven cars with holographic speedometers that appear all ghostly-like hovering over the hood, hybrids that make no noise at all (with the first one I thought it just wouldn't start and was wondering how I'd break it to the owner of the brand-new Lexus that it had died in our garage! Then I realized it was electric, haha), and great big trucks with stick-shifts, to the glee of their great big male owners. I drove a BMW that had a "tight squeeze parking feature" where the car pulls in its mirrors, and Escalades that lower their running boards for you like obedient camels kneeling to be mounted. I didn't get to drive a Tesla yet, but I saw one, and did you know they only have external door-handles when the keyholder is near?!? Otherwise they retract them, all aloof.
* I had a sit-down with The Big Boss of The Ritz to go over some concerns of mine, primarily relating to food safety. Guess who's got two thumbs and got roped into putting together a fifteen-minute presentation on Protecting The Gluten-free Diner? Yeeeeah.
* For reasons I obviously cannot go into, we recently had the Secret Service in-house, complete with bomb-sniffing dogs, and now I want a Dutch Shepherd. Gorgeous dogs! Like an Alsatian but more compact, and many of them are a lovely brindle.
* I miss my kids, and Hotter, and sleep. But the bills are all caught up from Carmageddon '14, and when I get my next paycheck I'll be able to start saving up for legal fees in the event The XY actually does sue me for real with non-imaginary lawyers. Sigh.
* The chickens are laying again, but the rabbits have gone through menopause and I think Bravo Hive is dead :(
* I'm kind of tired, and sad, and sore (Valet this morning was six hours of solid running). Tell me something good.
Sent from The Precious